"Hi everybody, thanks so much for coming tonight, especially those of you that traveled long distance.  I mean, I flew in from California, but really, would I have missed my best friend's wedding?  No, not me.  I'm not that kind of person.  Hey, for those of you that don't know me, I'm Glen's best friend Gary.  Me and Len grew up together in Montgomery County, back before it was all built up.  Of course I made a killing in Real Estate when the highway came in, but money was never really his forte, am I right?

"Now those of you that know me know that I was always the athlete between the two of us.  I mean, really, Len couldn't hit the side of a barn if you spotted him the B and the A!  Which brings me to:  The Sprinkler Story.  Yes, Len, I'm telling the sprinkler story!  Don't you think your new wife ... ... ..., Valerie, should hear this?  Maybe I should have told her before the wedding, HAHA!  OK, so the Sprinkler Story.  I've known this guy since I was two years old.  That's twenty-six years, I see you people doing the math in your heads!  I might be getting older but he's still the one that got left back in second grade, am I right?

"Let me take you back.  It's the summer of 1983 and I had just turned five.  We were out on the patio at my mother's house, and I was teasing Len with the garden hose.  I mean really, he was such a baby.  I was just getting him wet!  And he's so upset that he doesn't know what to do with himself.  So I put down the hose to go get a Snicker's bar, and this guy can't think of any way to retaliate for looking like he peed his pants.  Too bad about the potty training Len!  Anyway, he picks up the sprinkler and chucks it at me.  And unlike every football, baseball, basketball, soccer ball, etc, that he has ever touched in his life this one hits the target.  Probably the only home run this guy has ever hit!

"So you can all come by the table later to see the scar.  It's just under my left eyebrow.  I'm not mad, seriously, I mean it was twenty-three years ago, am I right?  This is a guy that has made a huge mark on my life.  Not just with a sprinkler, I might add.  So, anyway, please raise your toast glasses and join me in wishing Len and ... ... ... ...,  Valerie, a long and happy life.  I mean, I might have lost a step or two, and gained a few pounds, but I could kick the ever-loving s!@# out of him if I wanted to.  Right NOW.  Which I DON'T.

"Anyone want to see my scar?"