Subject The incredible prognosticating power of toilet paper
DateCreated 6/26/2006 7:21:00 AM
PostedDate 6/26/2006 6:35:00 AM

Another ticked-off Function Coordinator:  Yes
Hand-carrying our equipment up the stairs in an old building that has no ramp made us all feel like old men:  Yes
Band ate dinner in the boiler room, surrounded by mops, cleaning supplies and, inexplicably, a pitchfork:  Yes
Chicken Football:  Would have been a huge improvement

We're on a roll!  The first words out of the Function Coordinator's mouth, when C got to the wedding (two and a half hours before start time) were, "So.  Is this my band, that should have been here three hours ago?"  To which the appropriate response would be, "Your band?  I don't know.  Are you the mother of the bride, who is actually paying us?"  Or maybe just, "F#$^ you!" would suffice.  Anyway, she went on to introduce herself as the "Function Diva", which is so wonderful I wish I'd made it up.  She wasn't kidding either, as the kitchen manager excused himself from a conversation with the following:  "Sorry, the FC needs me to lick her toenails."  This woman actually stood in the middle of the dance floor at 6:05PM, having a conversation with no one in particular, repeating, "I can't believe we're waiting on the band.  This is totally unacceptable.  All this over a BAND.  I have a half-million dollar wedding client in PROVIDENCE tomorrow, and here I am in Fall River waiting for a BAND."  Understand that she pronounced "Providence" like it was Provence.  Also, we were five minutes late.

There are many, many silly traditions associated with wedding receptions.  Some are fairly obvious, like the garter/bouquet toss.  This couple specifically asked for one that I can't even explain, really.

As hosted by C:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please may I have your attention?  Everyone, please?  B & G need everyone up front for a Very Special Event. May I have the Bride, Groom, Maid of Honor and Best Man to the center of the dance floor?  Now, B & G are getting ready to start their new life, together, and as such probably have a lot of questions about their future.  They may have talked about money, kids, even mundane things like who has to take out the trash.  But the one thing no couple ever discusses before they get married is:  who will be the Head of the Household?   And this is incredibly important!  Thankfully, we have a precise, scientific determination method."  At this point he calls over to H, "Please, bring the the tools.  I need the tools."  H does her best Vanna White as she prances over with two rolls of toilet paper, extra-large.  C continues, "Best Man and Maid of Honor:  I need you to hold these sensitive measuring devices.  B & G, on the count of three empty your roll as fast as you can.  Simply put, whoever empties their roll first is far better suited to be Head of the Household!  M?  Drum roll, please!"  And with that begins a frenzy of flying TP.  Usually we play appropriate background music, such as the Standells "I Love That Dirty Water."  Let me stipulate that in the three years I've been in this particular band, I have never once seen a groom win this contest.  You may make of that what you will.  Also, it's always amusing to attend an event where people go INTO the bathroom with toilet paper stuck to their shoes.