"Somebody turn off Dad's hearing aid.  Seriously, I need to talk some S^&T!  First of all, thanks to everybody that came from far away to be here to see Rachel get married.  She's so GODDAMMMMMMM awesome!!!!  I love my little sister!  'Course, she and I are a teeny bit different - she just told me she wants people to 'enjoy some confections' after dinner is over.  I'm like, 'GO GET SOME FREAKIN' ICE CREAM YOU HO!!!!!!!'  ZING BABY!!!  She gets the red Benz for her 16th birthday and she's like 'don't worry, Mother, I'll be terribly responsible.'  When I got mine it was like 'I'm doin' the whole football team in the backseat!!!! TONIGHT!!!!!'  YEEEEEEHAAAAAAA!  Honestly, back at the mansion we call her 'Prissy Rissy' and me 'Piggy Kimmee'!!! YEAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

"Alright, where's page 2?  F^&k, where's page 2.... WOOOOOOOAHHHHHWOOOOO!!!!  Catch this RISSY!!!!  I've got plenty more pages.  DON'T WORRY DAD I'M NOT GONNA STRIP!!!  PROBABLY!!!!  Alright, alright.  Settle down you morons.  RJ, get me another 'Sex On The Beach!'  HA YOU WISH even if you are my brother!  OK, where was I?  Doesn't Mom look beautiful?  What a freakin' MILF!!  Rachel was gonna wear Mom's wedding dress today but I wore it for my first wedding and some of those stains just don't come out...  Hey, it's too bad neither of my husbands could be here today - it's just that they're both TOTAL DICKS!!!!  ZING BABY!!!  Hey, ever look at a microphone close up?  I could use this later come to think of it, tell the band I'm takin' it back to my room tonight!!

"Wow, page 3 already... too bad I'm too sloshed to read it... So could she have married a better dude???  We don't call him 'Fixit Frank' for nuthin'!  Seriously, if anybody is in trouble or needs a hand Frank just goes and helps them.  Can you imagine?  Not me baby I hire.  So anyway, we all thought Frank was a saint BEFORE he agreed to work for Dad.  I mean, is he NUTS???  The company is in trouble so Frank goes out there and puts in ten-hour days helping shingle hot roofs with nothing to look at but immigrants with straw hats, droopy moustaches and brown ass-cracks!!  Save the family business?  I GUESS, just as long as the cabana boy keeps bringing my coconut shrimp cocktail!!

"OK, the champagne is getting warm so let's all toast the newlyweds.  Riss - you'll always be my sister, and you'll always be a Worthington.  The family will never, ever let you down.  Frank - we love you and trust you and think the world of you.  But you'll NEVER BE A WORTHINGTON!!!
"WOOOOOOOAHHHHHWOOOOO!!!! ZING BABY!!!!!!!!