“Hi guys, I’m Melanie! Janie’s best friend, yknow?!! We’ve known each other, like forever, and I know everything about her. I mean it! I wanted to tell everyone what a great girl she is, and what a total BEST Stephen is, and I thought of the funniest story ever!
“So. You all know they live together, right? Sorry Father Joe!!! Didn’t mean to be the one to tell you they were living in sin and all!!! Anyway, the house they bought is like this total mess, and the bathroom is disgusto. Steve was like, ‘I can fix it!’ and Jane was like, ‘OK!’ So he did that thing where you rip all the walls down, and it was unbelievable! Like, there was nothing there not even a sink or a toilet or a shower or a towel rack or a box of tissues. Or a ceiling. He did SUCH a great job–except for the part where you have to put the new stuff in, ’cause it stayed empty–and everyone was ‘how do you go to the bathroom’? and they wouldn’t tell because it was all mysterious!! But it was really simple! They had a bucket.
“Ya gotta go, ya gotta go, y’know? I always had questions about it, though. Like, did they have two different buckets for number one and number two? Or his and hers? Who emptied it? Was it a household chore? ‘Honey, don’t forget the milk tonight! And empty the poop bucket on your out! WHERE DID THEY EMPTY IT? Did they bring it to work and flush it there, or do the neighbors have a lot more fertilizer than they bargained for? I sure hope they kept it separate from everything else in the house! ‘Hey, where did you marinate those steaks?’
“So, as maid of honor I’m supposed to toast the newlyweds! I love them! I thought of something they might need though, so here’s a little present to send them on their way. JOE GO GET IT. A new bucket! OK, it’s more of a Tupperware container, but it’s only symbolic since you guys called that contractor! Aw, Janie, don’t look so pissed! That’s what the bucket is for!”